- Funny Quotes -
Hi. How are you?Do you want to have a good laugh? Read these funny quotes and you will laugh for sure.Enjoy.
1. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”- Mitch Hedberg
2. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”- Don Marquis
3. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”- Alan Dundes
4.”Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
5. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine”.- Caroline Rhea
6. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”-Charles Lamb
7. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”- Charles Shulz
8. “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”-Daniel J. Boorstin
9. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”-Dalai Lama
10. “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”- Erma Bombeck
11. “Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
12. “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”- Bill Waterson
13. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”- Gertrude Stein
14. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”- Isaac Asimov
15. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”- Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
16. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson
18. “Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”- David Letterman
19. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”-Ellen DeGeneres
20.”The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”- Fred Allen
21. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” -George Burns
22. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”–
Jerry Seinfeld
23. “This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.”- Bill Maher
24. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin
25. “The road to success is always under construction.”- Lily Tomlin
27. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”- Lily Tomlin
28. “Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.”- Gilbert Gottfried
29. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
30. “Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.”-Margaret Culkin Banning
31. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”- Matt Groening
32. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”- Steve Martin
33. “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”- Milton Berle
34. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”- Phyllis Diller
35. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”- Bill Murray
36.”Before you marry a person, you should at least make them use a computer with a slow internet connection to find out who they really are.”- Will Ferre
37. “Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.”-Thomas Sowell
38. “I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”- Henny Youngman
39. “I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.” – Henny Youngman
40. “Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”- Helen Rowland
41. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”-Jay Leno
42. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”- Oscar Wilde
43.” A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.”- Zsa Zsa Gabor
44. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”-Rodney Dangerfield
45. “If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.” – Stan Laurel
I hope you had a good laugh reading these funny quotes.
Laughing is healthy.It relaxes your body and your mind.
My message to you is: Laugh as often as you can.
Have a nice day.
